Nothing, But Feelings

Sorry for the emergency the other day. My sister, Tammy is pregnant and wasn't feeling well and I rushed her to the hospital, but all is well, just aches and pains that come with pregnancy. A relief!

I am on the anxious side this weekend. I feel like I am on the verge of having a nervous breakdown. So close and I don't know how to push past it. I just want to scream out of anger and hurt. Words that have been repeated to me through out this process..."Things always get worse before they get better." Why can't I just get to the better part, because I don't know how much more I can't take of the worse. I never thought myself fragile. I have strength, and pride, but it's not enough when my world is crumbling. The thing is I know someone out there is in more serious trouble than I am and I put shame on my shoulders for even assuming I'm at my worst place possible.

The new year is drawing near and I remember 2014 was going to be my year. It wasn't. I remember feeling worthy of having the best year possible. I still feel defeat.

Uuuggggggh! Can you sympathize with me or can you roll your eyes at me for feeling how bummed I am of late? I want out of this funk.

I apologize for this post... it just not me. It's on the lame side.

The Day After Christmas

I'm glad to report that I have survived Christmas. No breakdowns, or tears or angry outbursts. I did have to force the merriment out of me, but I assume that will be better next year. Time is my friend as I go through my emotional meltdown.

Can you guess I haven't been on my diet? I shouldn't let my emotions get the best of me, but I'm dealing with that too.

New Year's Day is right around the corner and I am focusing on resolutions. Goals, plans, and balance for me. I have some ideas for the coming year.

I have to cut this short, do to an emergency...

Food Junkie

SO, I have had a rough week. No excuses to share, just honesty.

 

I have been a food junkie. Why? If you don't know me by now, its always the same answer....failure to plan ahead.

 

I would do great for breakfast if I had the time. There was a day or two when time didn't allow for me to eat breakfast. It's as if I may end up having to meal plan, but I always seem to buy more food than necessary and have food go to waste. Now that's a problem. I am on a budget.

 

(SIGH) 

 

My dilemma.

 

I always strive to be a perfectionist and I know perfectionism doesn't exist, nor do I really want to be. I want to strive to progress. Progress sounds so much better to me. It's as if I never want to stop learning, knowledge is important and knowing "everything" becomes the problem to not move forward.

 

 

Goal for this coming week... "Plan" to not fail. I'm going to sit down and write me some simple meal plans for this week and see how I can incorporate it into my day. I just have to remind myself not to go overboard with perfection... Keep-It-Simple.

Ooops

Damn that BREAD... it's like a freakin' lover that is tormenting me! In other words yes, I caved in. I had a slice of pizza. Alright...a slice and a half! I am shamed-faced... include a soda with that meal.

 

It is a rough start. I need to keep drinking water. I think that was a huge help on day one. I kept it close to me and when I thought I wanted bread, it was enough to keep me away from it.

 

But my weigh in came in a positive note. 2 pounds down! Whew, because yesterday's weigh in was at a stand still. Of course I received grunts and complaints about me weighing in everyday, but I want to log every day because this is my experiment.

 

No headaches, of course "IT'S THAT TIME OF THE MONTH". Surprise! I am feeling pretty miserable right now.

 

Making this quick, family is so LOUD right now, I can't "think" anymore.

 

My motto for the day:

 

 

 

 

Hasta La Vista, Bread!

Yesterday was terrible. "The Headache" was excruciating painful, even after the pain medicine. I drank water all day long, thinking I might be dehydrated from the days before of drinking endless soda.

 

Temptation has been EVERYWHERE. I just about quit the minute my sister, Audrey brought the cookie dough at Target. I kept talking myself out of it. "The Headache" reminded me I didn't need any bread or cookie.

 

I'm the first to admit day one without carbs was too hard, especially BREAD. It's like I have a dysfunctional relationship with bread. I have dated bread so long it's time to give kick him to the curb.

 

 

 

Sobbing, my Bread break-up note.

 

Dear Bread,

 

I have to say good-bye. You are no good for me. Right now, I turn a corner or counter and I see you there before my eyes tempting me to come back, but I can't. I deserve a better life and yes, without you. This is my way of kicking your ass out for good. I know I'll be able to move on and imitate your goodness with something even better. Hasta la vista, Bread!

 

That felt good. Now the hard part is to continue fighting my feelings for bread and avoid him like a plague. A little weird, funny how it some foods do feel like a relationship gone sour.

 

Until tomorrow.

 

 

 

 

Jumping On The Band Wagon Once More

Today is my start date to jump right back in on the "band" wagon, what better day than to start the day after Thanksgiving.

I am back to photo food journal, snapping for my Daily Eats tab. I'm also back to weighing in. I know this sounds a little obsessed, but I want daily morning weigh in stats. I'll do some quick daily posting.

Low carb, high fat, here I come, again. I'm choosing this diet, because the last time I tried this I was feeling so much better and the weight had finally started moving down the scale. I definitely want to feel better. That's my plan to a better me.

Goal #1:

Survive the Keto flu-like symptoms. I'm estimating this to last 3 days. Crossing my fingers, not my favorite part of starting this LCHF. The last time I went through this I was sick, nauseous, weak and no appetite. I slept most of the day, but when it was over I felt like a million bucks. I'll see what this second time brings... again not my favorite part.

This is how I feel right now. A brief whine clip, you may want to look away.

I have an dull headache that has been with me for the past two days. I feel lazy in general and do NOT feel like doing anything. I'm easily irritated. My back aches and my knee hurts. I hear the popping sound and it makes me cringe, because I fear the long term damage my weight is doing to my knee and my future. I am feeling my worst right now.

Can you say GRUMPY?

 

Goal #2:

Complete Week 1 without cheat days. I'm sweating this one, but I do believe in myself enough to push in the positive directions.

 

I truly feel inspired by this quote:

 

I'm off to be awesome. Wish me some awesome luck.

 

Happy Turkey Day

I am having a tough time today. Who has balled her eyes at the table during grace... yes of course it's me. Can I be any more of a mental case? Don't answer that, but I am thankful.

Here is my thankful note:

I'm thankful for my daughter.

I'm thankful for my health.

I'm thankful for my family.

I'm thankful for my friends.

I'm thankful for the fact that I will be an Aunt come March.

I'm thankful for the roof over my head.

I'm thankful for a new start in life.

I'm thankful that my faith is not lost.

Lazy Sunday

Sunday's for me are lazy days. I usually get The Lazy Song by Bruno Mars in my head. Alright maybe just the first verse.

 

 

 

I had a rough night last night. Thanksgiving is in a couple of days and I am feeling like a crybaby. I have my support system here at my parents place, but I can't help the feelings that come over me.

 

I need to make better use of my time. My thoughts are all over the place. Just when I think of a brilliant idea I promise myself to remember only to, yes you guessed right, forget.

 

I hear those annoying voices calling me, just when I am getting somewhere. I wait patiently for the day when I can sit and enjoy my voice and explore my thoughts.

 

 

On A Roll

I was up early. Started laundry and began making breakfast. I have my cup of coffee with stevia instead of sugar and now I'm blogging. Check me out!

 

I'm pumped, I only hope I don't lose momentum.

 

I have been thinking of starting a "life" blog. My "life" is an upside down roller coaster right now and I will have one hell of a journey ahead of me, but I'm determined to change my path to impress myself. Does that sound silly? Probably, but I don't care.

 

 

Ever notice, when you have some time to get things done and everyone wants to find something to talk about or "mom I need....", ugggh, distractions are not so bueno.  Well I'm off before I lose my calm, cool, collective self.

 

TOO LATE!

 

 

 

 

Happy Birthday To Me

The BIG 39!

I am out of shape at 39. I have a goal. I have a year to correct this dilemma. It's simple, but first I'm going to go enjoy that delicious homemade strawberry cheesecake that my BFF made for me. She's awesome and it's SOOOOO WICKED GOOD!

Back To Life, Back To Reality

 

The title says it all. I have literally been in a hellish nightmare and just now I feel like I am putting my crumbling self back together... crumble by crumble. I do believe I have a long way to go, but that in itself IS progress.

I keep telling myself that I am going to get back to blogging and back to losing weight. The inner voice tells me "tomorrow", but tomorrow is always further away, until today.

I'll keep this detail brief....

My best friend, my husband, the man that I thought I would go old with is no longer in my life. I'm struggling to put him away from my thoughts. I have to move on and make a better life for me and my daughter. I want her to know that she is the love of my life. She comes first and our life is different, but we are in this together.

I am pushing myself forward with my diet also. I do know that I am an emotional eater. Not news to me, I have known this for sometime. I'm jumping on the band wagon again. I pray for the last time.

 

I didn't give much information, but know this... prayers are always welcome for me and my daughter. I pray that Annaleigh is brave and strong through this time. I pray that I can get her and myself through our ordeal and fight our way toward happiness and love.

 

 

 

Success!

I just started last Thursday, The Low carb, High Fat diet... and if you've been reading this blog since 2011, then you know I SUCK at losing weight. I struggle and usually past GO only to return and reset myself again. Failure has been a big part of my journey. Several obstacles and bumps and most importantly the biggest thing called LIFE.

I've lost weight.

Take a wild guess this time around? Any guesses?

When I started Thursday, June 5, 2014 I weighed 275... My weight now... 268! You saw that right, 7 POUNDS! I have NOT budged from the scale in the 270's in such a long time, I almost feel like I am dreaming. I'm so excited and have been keeping my excitement to myself, except to tell my husband.

Here's the scoop on my 7 lb. secret ... my sister has been struggling to lose weight to fit into her wedding dress. I know how hard and frustrating that can be. For weeks now, she seems to be killing herself with Water aerobics and going to Curves to workout and she hasn't lost any weight. I can't share my success with her right now, because I know how it feels when your doing everything to lose weight and nothing is happening. Then later to hear about someone else's weight loss and they didn't do the hard work! It's unfair and makes us want to throw in the towel and quit. I've been there, done that.

I can't tell my best friend either. She's been on a weight loss program for 4 weeks and it is costing money. She heads in the clinic every Wednesday to get her results. It's working, but probably not at the pace she would prefer. I'm her support/cheerleader. The first week she lost 6 lbs. which is great, and up to know 12 lbs. down, but I know she could do it without the prescribed medication especially when she worked so hard to get her liver enzymes back to normal. I'm doing my best to keep my weight loss a secret from her, just because I know my friend and she'll feel pressure to do better. It's not a competition between us. She had always been smaller than me, for sure. I don't want her to feel like I'm making a bigger splash than she is, which would only shake her up.

I love my sister and my best friend. I also know they love me and I refuse to be discouragement for them. For now I'll share with my husband... it's between me, my husband and you. This low carb, high fat diet seems to be working for now. I'm ecstatic!

Don't get me wrong, I really miss eating bread and donuts, or having a beautifully loaded baked potato and French fries, or having some deliciously saucy spaghetti and creamy fettuccine... but right now the 7 lbs. down in ONE week, out weigh the missing carbs!

Oh and by the way... when May ended I did lose my 5 lbs. and made my goal, but I also gained 3 back, but it's all working out, 7 down!!

Salt Addiction

I have been having an argument with myself. Over my worst habit at the moment. I can't seem to live without...

I have tried to go without it, but it seems impossible. I don't feel like a salt-a-holic, but I do believe if I had to take one item with me to a deserted Island I think I might take salt. I beginning to see that it may be my choice of "drug." My next question is how do I undo this without having a break down. What other alternatives are there? Healthy ones... I already know the best one is to avoid salt like the plague, but there has to be a way to get to that point. I just want the will power to stop putting salt on my food.

I have

            days to go.

 

 

5lb. goal still in progress.



Count Down

I'm giving it all she's got captain!

No not really.

Intimidated on this day.

It seems that everyone and anyone is on some shake or program for losing weight and I'm twiddling my thumbs. They are so excited and pumped up and I feel blank. I know it doesn't make sense, but that's just the way I feel today.

My count down has begun... 5 lbs. in 18 days. Let's get ready to rumble!
I'm so old school, it's kinda scary...

Feeling Discouraged

Yup.

Last week, was a long hard week. Worked late. Felt out of sync with everything, especially myself. Not prepared. I definitely put myself at the last of the list and I never got to me.

Today I am exhausted. I need some major sleep. I'm feeling overwhelmed and I can't pinpoint the culprit.

Irritated and moody. I want to feel good, how does one crazy week ruin good work? I could just yell!

I've set myself a goal for the rest of May. There is 18 days left as of tomorrow. I have given myself the goal of losing 5 lbs. I know what you're thinking..

"5 lbs. that's easy."

My response: "Not for a girl who is taking medicine for her thyroid. My metabolism is on vacation."

Which really sucks. If you're young or healthy right now, this is my advice. Take advantage of being young, you can lose weight faster. If you don't have anything wrong with you; you are not taking any medications, you can lose weight faster.

If you are on the same boat like me... then grab a life jacket and let's stay afloat.

Working harder and proving everyone around me wrong... that's my point.

18 days... it can be done. 5 lbs. it's a goal; a point that I HAVE to prove to myself.

I'll spare you a selfie. I'm not photogenic. Say Cheese!

Down 3

THE SCALE MOVED DOWN!

Did you read that? The bathroom scale moved down! I can even taken it further, 3 lbs. down.

3 lbs. D
            O
               W
                   N

I haven't been down 3 lbs. in what seems in my world FOREVER AGO. I struggle to keep my mind at ease when I don't see the scale move down or freak out when it heads up.

I don't know what has done it. The green tea? The eating breakfast? The cutting back on fast food? The cooking at home? Taking my lunch 2 days last week to work?

How about... all of the above?

I don't know what is the difference. I do know I just want to keep going strong. Failure or fear keep on moving... it's been here far too long. I'm ready for a new add-on's like confidence and determination.

I looked silly today, I laughed and whooped for joy! Whooped for joy.... yes I did that. Is it possible? Just ask my kiddo, she awoke and looked at me strangely, but then she got me doing some crazy dance called "The Nae Nae." Makes me feel like I'm a drunkin' beauty queen waving...


This quote is fitting for today...

Black Sheep?

I took my lunch Monday and Tuesday. I have to admit. I felt a little left out when the other ladies were eating differently. Like the black sheep of the family. Someone made a comment, that they smelled onion. Onion is not liked by some ladies at work, but I personally LOVE sautéed onion. I've come a long way. I couldn't stand it when I was younger. I love them, but they'll have to get over the onion smell. Enough said.

Honestly I actually felt that I had the best lunch. I had energy when I was done and didn't feel sluggish. My friends were complaining how tired they had become or they needed chocolate, but I didn't feel like that. I was ready for round two.

Next week I am going to plan a little better. Either make extra for dinner or make more lunches that will last a full week. I still don't have it all figured out yet, but I have to say 2 lunches made from home is nice on my energy level and on my wallet!

Nicely said.

The Bad And The Good

OK, I lied. I didn't prepare my lunches this week. Planning was definitely key and I didn't accomplish it. I will make another attempt next week.

I'm exhausted. Just a rough day at work.

Here's some good news. I have been drinking water. I'm mean I am back to chugging H2O and loving it. I don't miss the soda flavor, just the fizz. I've also been thinking the possibilities of how to flavor my water without adding sugars or artificial flavors. A small obstacle, because every once in a while I want a little flavor in my water.

Also, I have been drinking green tea. This is an experiment on myself. Plain tea makes me WIDE- EYED at night. My body seems to scream insomnia if I drink tea, but green tea seems to be a different story. My experiment goes something like this: Drink green tea in the morning. Effects: Energy, butt loads of energy. Today was the first time I added another glass of green tea for lunch. Effects. Energy, more needed energy. I mean if I hadn't been at work. I think I could have cleaned my home from top to bottom. I'm very tired now. I think I could sleep like a baby, but still too early for me to do some shut-eye.

Prep Mission

I'm on a mission. I am looking at blogs, YouTube and Pinterest for inspiration on prepping meals for lunch. I'm loaded with containers. Check that off my list.

This is only half of what you see. I'm almost ready to get myself prepared for next week. I want to be able to eat good and healthy. I want to be able to prep and take my lunch all next week. I'm destined to get this right.

YES MA'AM!

The Big Picture

A picture is worth a thousand words or at least when I remember to take them.

I'm looking at my Daily Eats page. My photo journal of my food intake is a HUGE surprise. I haven't change my eating habits completely, because I wanted to see what I was putting into my mouth. I first started this on March 29th and taking a look at my daily photos of my food is a shocking punch of reality.


Breakfast hasn't been the healthiest option. I think planning ahead for breakfast is a key point. I need to put more effort into my planning and learning to say "No, Thank You" at work. I know my friends love me and won't get bent out of shape if I refuse food.

Lunch, where do I begin. Again I do think I need to plan and prepare my lunch for the work week. I need to quit agreeing with the girls and prepare to bring a healthy option for lunch. Besides I have yet to understand as to why I pay for food that strangers touch and prepare so that I can shove it into my mouth. Passing from one hand to another hand. When I think of it that way, is plain disgusting. 

Dinner is coming along nicely, since I noticed the fast food craze in my daily life. I've been trying to cook dinner at home. True it's not the best, but starting at home has got to be a small step in the right direction.

TGIF

A little morning motivation to get my day to start on a positive note.

Now then to a fabulous TGIF!

Moment Of Truth

Realizing that this weight loss business is deceiving. After taking pictures of my meals for four days now, I have come to really see that my food choices are beyond terrible. I don't have balance meals. My portions are all wrong. I eat out too much. I am eating the wrong things every time I put something in my mouth. I am completely lying to myself. I been wondering why I can't lose anything and it's all my own fault.

Stressed out! This are my explanation I can give... it's no excuse, but maybe it may shed some light on what's going on with me.

Here's why I'm stressed...

If you have a pre-teen in your household then you might understand. As much as I adore my girl; We are in the process of the talking back, eye-rolling, grunting, wearing make-up without permission and lying ... I could go on and on, but right now I feel like the parent who can't keep it together and ready to go off the deep end. IT'S SO HARD. I'm a little lost and feel like my parenting skills are full of failure.

Marriage... if you're married, then you definitely know that it's hard work. I have been married for 2 and 1/2 years. It's been a struggle. I'm stubborn and he's stubborn, so that makes situations tough and complicated on each other. As you guessed it, I feel like I'm failing as a wife. Something I thought I would be able to excel at, only to realize I'm not too good at it.

Now what? I just volunteered some personal information. Not too thrilled with it, but neither have I ever been the kind of person to pretend I live in a happy fairy-tale life. This is real and very much going on right now.

Life, it's stressful at a moments notice. How I handle it, that will be the real question. Let me start with working out my emotional eating and learning to communicate in my relationships with my family. I can't expect the perfect outcome without using my words in a calm patient manner. It's going to take time, commitment, and learning to push past my rough patches. It's all in the effort and time I put in it.

Focus On Me

I have been attempting spring cleaning in my home. I figure IF I can declutter my home then I can definitely take a better opportunity to focus on me. Reality check, I focus on other things more than I seem to focus on me. I make my list and I start with me first and by the time that morning alarm goes off I push myself to the next thing on the list and by the time the day is done I am at the bottom, last and forgotten.

What does that say or mean?

It means I have to learn to juggle me into the daily act. Almost everyone knows this. Focus, give myself some well deserve love and attention. I'm worth it. Now I have to fight on that negative voice  and quit calling myself a "selfish girl" or telling me that I'm "neglecting the family". Out you go negative voice. I'm just giving myself a little dose of love. Everybody has time for that!

Not Down For The Count

It's been a knockout, but definitely not down for the count. The good thing is that I have not gain any weight, but neither have I lost any more pounds. BOOO!


Sincere apologizes for being M-I-A... life has an unexpected punch sometimes that can't be controlled, but I'm here and moving towards my goal.

And so I shall begin.

Preparation Is Key

I've said it before. I remind myself constantly. Yet I am one of the most unprepared people in this land of "have it together, Man."

This past week I knew I had to be prepared and of course, getting to the grocery store was impossible. Yes I did have the case of "I'll do it later," but I never gave it a second thought.

New week has started and I am determined to be up an about on Sunday morning to get my groceries for the week. CHECK!

I'm determined to chop and cut fruits and veggies here in a bit.

And of course spend some time house cleaning.

Hmmm, maybe.

Off I go to spend some quality time with family.

It's A Start

Trust in myself.

I'm motivated.

I'm drinking my water.

I'm eating breakfast.

I'm eating salads at work.

I'm keeping myself accountable.

CAN I GET A HELL TO THE YEAH!?

Nice.

A little obnoxious, but I can't help it. I feel better. Not fantastic yet, but I do feel better. I have ways to go, but it's nice to see the scale finally go down. It's not drastic either, small and slow, but it's still positive for me. Finally looking at the positive side of this journey. I've been a downer for way to long.

Simple Changes

I am on a roll!

The last soda drink I officially had was on the 1st of January. I'll admit there is one in my fridge for the "just in case", but I haven't felt the need. I know, I know... it's only been 4 days, but soda is major addiction and passing on a sip is great news for me. Replacement beverage H2O. First day was torture, but I didn't give in. Second day better. Third day, wanting to drink my water. Fourth day, trying to get in my 68 ounces of water for the day.

Headed to work on January 2, I stopped by the grocery store and loaded on salad supplies. My lunch has consisted of salads, another plus. If you know our lunch crew, we are usually trying to decide who to send to bring back some fast food. Group lunch support has been a great success, because us, girls are pulling out the get healthy card and I for one am appreciating it!

My morning obstacle has been gulping coffee like a monster and avoiding breakfast. I have limited my morning coffee to one cup and focusing on getting breakfast in me. I have stored my fridge with easy things to blend and heat before heading out the door.

I thought this was mind worthy...