Mediocre, No More

I'm a simple kind of girl who just wants the simple kind of life.

You know that sentence right now sounds heavenly. SIGH

This past week has been a reflection, not a terrible thing to come face to face. The time is right to enjoy this NEW inner me. I kind of like this part of me who is focusing on only me. I don't feel selfish. I feel as if doing this I can enjoy my surroundings more and appreciate the people I love more.

Changing behavior is a slow process. Have you ever notice that? Especially for someone like me. Change is like plunging a dagger to my comfort zone. I dread change. I hate changing what works mediocre for me. I'm tired of settling for mediocre. This is the point in my life when I can't stand the mediocre solutions any more. Why did I ever think it was the best solution? I can't be afraid of the work that has to get me where I really want to be... and being where I want to be is unknown, but for once I'm not afraid to push myself ahead.

 

 

 

2015, Here I Come

Ready or Not.

 

I am more than ready to have 2015 here. I know the next few months are going to be like I'm stepping on rocks just so I won't fall into hot melting lava. That's the picture I've put out there so you know how I feel like today.

 

Here in two weeks I come face to face with my daughter's father. I haven't seen him since she was in 3rd grade and that was 1 time in 2007 that I can remember. It's a child support thing and I honestly had been hoping that I could have been the one to support her with the new life I had built for us, but with another sore spot coming to an end, I know it isn't possible right now.

 

In these weeks coming up I am filing for divorce. It's like being at the center of a crowd and having rocks thrown at me. I had always told myself, that if I had ever married it would be once, forever and it blows me away that I lied to myself. There is no chance in reconciliation. No apologies, no fairy-tale ending of living the happy ever ending love story.

 

I don't mean to be a "Debbie Downer", but I do see the positive of this. I not as frail as I lead myself to believe and I have the best kid who is fighting through her own demons. I only hope she knows that each step she takes I'm right there ready to stand in to help with her fight to push past this hurt.

 

I've come up with resolutions this year, which if you don't know by now, I don't like making any, because I usually just toss them into thin air and I forget them.

 

2015 Resolutions:

 

• Budget To Save:  this is new for me. I never even consider saving money.  In the famous words of Dave Ramsey, Live like no one else, so later you can live like no one else.
• Write: I have written stories. I just never had the nerve to have anyone read my stories. I fear criticism, but sometimes that's not always a bad thing. Criticism can make me a better writer.
• Travel: This one is going to tricky. I want Annaleigh and myself to see new places. Explore new places, enjoy the simple things.
• Learn a language: This is something I have always wanted to do. French, Chinese have something I have always wanted to learn, but first improve on my Spanish. I would love to be able to have a random conversation with some tourist or myself being a tourist in there neck of the world.
• Move: Right now we are living with my parents. This is tough. Us, Annaleigh and myself, have been an big impact on the lives of my family. I know they welcome us with open arms, but even sharing a bedroom with my daughter had it's disadvantages and I can only imagine a soon- to-be 13 year needs her space too. It's definitely up there with saving!
• LCHF:  Low carb, high fat. That's right I haven't given up on my weight loss. I'm determined, this is what it will take for me to finally conquer my weight. Here's some good news with this I didn't gain the 10 lbs. this year. Again, I'm determined!

Here's to my beginning of 2015! If it's one thing I do know about myself, it's that I don't stand down or quit. There is still a lot of fight in me.

 

 

Nothing, But Feelings

Sorry for the emergency the other day. My sister, Tammy is pregnant and wasn't feeling well and I rushed her to the hospital, but all is well, just aches and pains that come with pregnancy. A relief!

I am on the anxious side this weekend. I feel like I am on the verge of having a nervous breakdown. So close and I don't know how to push past it. I just want to scream out of anger and hurt. Words that have been repeated to me through out this process..."Things always get worse before they get better." Why can't I just get to the better part, because I don't know how much more I can't take of the worse. I never thought myself fragile. I have strength, and pride, but it's not enough when my world is crumbling. The thing is I know someone out there is in more serious trouble than I am and I put shame on my shoulders for even assuming I'm at my worst place possible.

The new year is drawing near and I remember 2014 was going to be my year. It wasn't. I remember feeling worthy of having the best year possible. I still feel defeat.

Uuuggggggh! Can you sympathize with me or can you roll your eyes at me for feeling how bummed I am of late? I want out of this funk.

I apologize for this post... it just not me. It's on the lame side.

The Day After Christmas

I'm glad to report that I have survived Christmas. No breakdowns, or tears or angry outbursts. I did have to force the merriment out of me, but I assume that will be better next year. Time is my friend as I go through my emotional meltdown.

Can you guess I haven't been on my diet? I shouldn't let my emotions get the best of me, but I'm dealing with that too.

New Year's Day is right around the corner and I am focusing on resolutions. Goals, plans, and balance for me. I have some ideas for the coming year.

I have to cut this short, do to an emergency...

Food Junkie

SO, I have had a rough week. No excuses to share, just honesty.

 

I have been a food junkie. Why? If you don't know me by now, its always the same answer....failure to plan ahead.

 

I would do great for breakfast if I had the time. There was a day or two when time didn't allow for me to eat breakfast. It's as if I may end up having to meal plan, but I always seem to buy more food than necessary and have food go to waste. Now that's a problem. I am on a budget.

 

(SIGH) 

 

My dilemma.

 

I always strive to be a perfectionist and I know perfectionism doesn't exist, nor do I really want to be. I want to strive to progress. Progress sounds so much better to me. It's as if I never want to stop learning, knowledge is important and knowing "everything" becomes the problem to not move forward.

 

 

Goal for this coming week... "Plan" to not fail. I'm going to sit down and write me some simple meal plans for this week and see how I can incorporate it into my day. I just have to remind myself not to go overboard with perfection... Keep-It-Simple.

Ooops

Damn that BREAD... it's like a freakin' lover that is tormenting me! In other words yes, I caved in. I had a slice of pizza. Alright...a slice and a half! I am shamed-faced... include a soda with that meal.

 

It is a rough start. I need to keep drinking water. I think that was a huge help on day one. I kept it close to me and when I thought I wanted bread, it was enough to keep me away from it.

 

But my weigh in came in a positive note. 2 pounds down! Whew, because yesterday's weigh in was at a stand still. Of course I received grunts and complaints about me weighing in everyday, but I want to log every day because this is my experiment.

 

No headaches, of course "IT'S THAT TIME OF THE MONTH". Surprise! I am feeling pretty miserable right now.

 

Making this quick, family is so LOUD right now, I can't "think" anymore.

 

My motto for the day:

 

 

 

 

Hasta La Vista, Bread!

Yesterday was terrible. "The Headache" was excruciating painful, even after the pain medicine. I drank water all day long, thinking I might be dehydrated from the days before of drinking endless soda.

 

Temptation has been EVERYWHERE. I just about quit the minute my sister, Audrey brought the cookie dough at Target. I kept talking myself out of it. "The Headache" reminded me I didn't need any bread or cookie.

 

I'm the first to admit day one without carbs was too hard, especially BREAD. It's like I have a dysfunctional relationship with bread. I have dated bread so long it's time to give kick him to the curb.

 

 

 

Sobbing, my Bread break-up note.

 

Dear Bread,

 

I have to say good-bye. You are no good for me. Right now, I turn a corner or counter and I see you there before my eyes tempting me to come back, but I can't. I deserve a better life and yes, without you. This is my way of kicking your ass out for good. I know I'll be able to move on and imitate your goodness with something even better. Hasta la vista, Bread!

 

That felt good. Now the hard part is to continue fighting my feelings for bread and avoid him like a plague. A little weird, funny how it some foods do feel like a relationship gone sour.

 

Until tomorrow.