Dear 2013

This year, I have been stressed, tired, angry, irritated and vulnerable. I didn't appreciate it one stinkin' bit. I am gladly leaving your ass behind and happily moving into 2014.

Yes there was a few good times, but when I think about it; I feel I am moving into 2014 with renewed inner strength, renewed inner peace, and renewed inner vigor.

It's time to move on and begin my 2014 with a kick-ass attitude.

To 2013 I leave you with a Good-bye, Adios, Au Revoir, later BEEEEOTCH!

                                       C

Feeling Tempted

Get Yourself In Gear, You Pansy!

These are the words that scream inside me right now. Christmas is just right around the corner and I am feeling the pressure of wanting to eat lots of goodies! Temptation is out and I'm feeling the pressure!

Pain In The ...

 

KNEE...


I had a small knee injury. It wasn't from working out. It was from shopping Saturday at 8 am to 4:30 in the afternoon.

PITIFUL!

It's true, but I am feeling better. I think it's safe to continue my workout. I have been sitting on the sidelines for the past three days and I was a little worried, but I really do feel better.

Back to sweating and moving!

Quiet Night

Even on a Friday night I am still in my workout groove! I don't know if I should be on a walk of shame for not having plans tonight, but Mark is back on the road and Annaleigh is at Grandma and Grandpa's house for a sleepover.

I tried strength training tonight. I feel good. I was breathing like a dragon and my muscles were shaking, but I completed with success!

Hope this doesn't happen to me!!!

It's a chilly night, so I think I'll just relax and keep warm.

No Judge Zone

I didn't run with excuses today... if fact they never entered my mind, not once. Unbelievable! It took one post to undo some negative thinking... go figure. My workout also felt a little easier in some places. I might have to step it up a notch.

Today my husband was home. Remember I told you that he has been losing weight and riding his bike. I had been working out at home, while he has been out working on the road and came home late last night. Well, I had only one little dilemma and that was Mark would be home to see me workout. I have don't workout in front of him, due to things moving side to side, jugs doing jiggles and let's not forget a whole lot of unnatural breathing. He volunteered to cook Chinese with lots of veggies for dinner, so he was in the kitchen chopping veggies most of the time. I kept shouting at him a play by play during a quick intermission. I just didn't want him to judge me. In the end I was done and relaxed. No judgment, or criticizing from him. Thank goodness, because I might have snapped his head off, ninja style!

I feel pretty good right now. Off to go relax with the family.

Here's some motivation for me...

Done With Excuses

Why is it that there is this voice in my head...(no I'm not crazy, at least I don't think I am.)... that tries to give me excuses to avoid working out. I kid you not.

I have considered these excuses...

I'm tired.

My knee hurts like the dickens.

No time today, I have to go get groceries.

Skip one workout, make it up tomorrow.

I'm stuff right now, I might barf if I workout.

I have had to argue with myself today so I don't let the excuses win.

I'm tired. SUCK IT UP, WIENER.

My knee hurts like the dickens. NO IT DOESN'T, LYING WON'T GET YOU ANY WHERE!

No time today, I have to go get groceries. GROCERY SHOPPING DOESN'T TAKE ALL NIGHT!

Skip one workout, make it up tomorrow.  LIAR, SKIP ONE, YOU'LL SKIP 'EM ALL!

I'm stuff right now, I might barf if I workout. AND WHOSE FAULT IS IT FOR OVER EATING!

Just incase you were wondering, I DID workout, because I am awesome! I'm done with excuses!

Working Out

Working out is commitment.

I am going on day 3. I tried to talk myself out of it today, but I just couldn't. I have read a few articles about building a habit. It takes 3 weeks, that is 21 days to build my workout habit. I don't want to quit. It's not in me this time around. I'm a little nervous about my knee, but it's not too bad. I just don't want to damage it. Ever since that car wreck last December, my knee has never been the same.

I have been enjoying the workouts. Stretching feels great. Just moving has been wonderful. I feel better. Could it be that ...

Who knew.

Move It

Saturday morning workout completed...CHECK!

Yes you saw that right, I did a workout this morning and I feel great. I do have to admit, I am so out of shape. Working out did kick my ass. I was out of breath, and the workout was only 20 minutes long and very simple, but I started and for that I am proud.

I don't want to celebrate too early. I have a long way to go and my commitment level has been below zero, but I'm going to have to push myself. I have to depend on myself, because no one else is going to do it for me or push me. It's the beginning toward a positive change.

It's Never To Late

"It's never to late to be who you might have been"

Not my quote, but it caught my attention.

When I grow up I want to be healthy so that I can enjoy life with my family and friends. I want to be the life of the party. I want to smile and laugh. I want to take charge of my body. I want to eat for fuel. I want energy to move. I want to dream big. I want to achieve big. I want to succeed.

It's never to late... very true.

The choices are there.

All I have to do is JUMP right in.

No more fear.

No more stalling week after week.

No more excuses.

No more "what ifs".

It's never to late, but..

Thanksgiving Already?

 Happy Thanksgiving!

I am always thankful, but on this day I am able to appreciate all the more! Family is important to my heart. Friends are the ones who keep me strong. Little moments and big moments are all part of my loving memories. Home is the best place in the world. On this day I am thankful to have another chance to show myself that I can lose weight. I can do this.

Back

Yes I know I have been missing in action once again. Of course it's to hide out and avoid the disappointing news. I'm beginning to wonder if my posts will always be negative news about my weight.

Weight loss has not been a number one priority. Say what!? Terrible I know, but guess what guys I'm ready. I'm jumping back in with renewed determination. I know what you might be thinking... "But Christine, WTH, Thanksgiving is a few days away and you want to start new again, right now?" It sounds insane, but for me, it feels like the right time at the wrong time.

Did I mention I'm having Thanksgiving lunch at our home with both sides of the family? Nerve racking, but I'm excited! Feeling a little pressure, but I'm not stressing it!

This weekend we had snow and my kiddo thought she'd have a blast playing in the snow.

Her Mini Snowman.

 

Back To Square One

My husband has lost 40 pounds! YEAH! SOOOO HAPPY FOR HIM!

That's the cheerleader in me. I AM very proud of him. I have seen him give have 100% determination and have 100% motivation to lose those 40 pounds. I have given him the talk about the scale not moving down, but to keep going because underneath it... a few days will get that scale moving again.

Now as happy as I am for him, I can't help, but be jealous of him. How come I can't get motivated like him?! How come I can't be as determined as him?!

Frustration can really keep a girl stubborn. That's me... stubborn to the core. I tend to over analyze and over complicate the simplest of situations.

Back to square one. I have to start there. Stinks, but it has to be done. Square one it is!

A Pity Party

H-E-L-L-O,

Rough times, rough all around.

Nothing has change.

Motivation has diminished once again.

I fear the worst is at its best.

Breaking through barriers is tough.

Obstacles are higher than ever.

I feel like the mouse in a maze running into the same wall!

Pity fest, if you don't recognize it by now.

Short Rant... Literally

I'm feeling like a ...

                                           jumping bean!

I'm bouncing all over the scale and taking note that success is so freaking hard!

That's the update for now.

About Me And A Goal

Have I ever told you about me?

My name is Christine and if you didn't know by now, I'm on a mission to get healthy. It's been hard, and I haven't reached my goal, not even close, but I'm not a quitter either. I've tried different tactics and different diets ... to be honest they were a bust!

I want to go to Vegas in May of next year with my BFF. I've been there before, but every time I'm there I get so tired of walking or blisters and so sore, for once I want to be able to have a good time, without the exhaustion.

For every 10 lbs. I want to invest $100.00 toward my Vegas fund.

 

I'm excited just thinking about it. From August to May, I can have a thousand dollars for spending on anything I want! I won't have to be my usual thrifty spender. Almost sounds to good to be true, but I do have to put the in the effort for my goal to be successful.

I'm wishing myself luck... I think I'm going to need the support and dedication of myself.

A Rant

I just don't want to be a disappearing act.

I've talked about how I began gung-ho when I started out writing this blog. I had been inspired and motivated to start a journey toward becoming healthy. There had been brilliant, and heart warming people that I felt a certain kinship with... their struggles were my struggles or their journey was incredible. Slowly the majority of my inspiration have now succeeded or other obligations have altered their path and priorities have changed.

I have struggled with my weight since the beginning and my motivation has dwindled, perhaps more like a yo-yo; up and own. I'm still here, I have yet to succeed or yet to complete my goal, but I'm not willing to go any where just yet.

I have more to learn about myself and more to understand about myself.

Retraining The Brain

My head feels like a jumbled mess. Retraining my brain is a workout in itself. This makes me wonder if my subconscious is in a battle of wills!

Stubborn to the core--- may seem literal after all.

I need a layout; a plan. My brain tells me I need routines and reminders.

I need to start keeping a journal; keep a list of everything for a few weeks. For example, when and what I eat, how I feel before and after I eat, when the cravings begin and what is the craving, have I slept at a decent hour and how many times I have waken up through the night. Sounds like I might be jotting down like a mad scientist.

I need to figure out something and I need to start now.

Chew

Tip that may help me in the long run... CHEW!

This is actually hard for me to do. It takes 20 minutes to feel full, but I can eat in 5 minutes when I'm starving and still feel empty even afterward.

Now this is going to take time getting use to and I will have to remind myself every time I have a dish before me to take a bite, put my fork down and chew, chew, and chew.

It's worth and try.

Slip Up

Had a bad day... yesterday.

Although I was prepared for the day. It didn't go according to plan and I slipped up towards the evening meal.

I felt defeated and my stomach was telling in not so nice ways, that I had failed.

Today I woke up and instead of giving up, I continued my day with a vengeance. No slips ups and no caving in to my weakness, Sugar.

A slip up doesn't mean I've quit. It's means I still have weaknesses. I still have to learn how to handle them. I'll figure it out. Give me time.

Bailing On Sugar

Oh, I have splitting headache!

So I'm trying my best to cut out sugar and holy heck this headache is hurting my brain.

It's only for a week, but OUCH!

I must confess, it's not easy. Here's why... every time I see a commercial with delicious creamy pasta or fresh baked bread or desserts that look like they might melt in my mouth, I want to binge. I'm just pitiful at the moment. The good news is I haven't caved in and that counts for something in my book.

Now here's a good tip... EVERYTHING seems to have sugar. It's hidden ingredients and it's complicated ingredients. I have to start somewhere and again that's where baby steps help me along my journey. Eventually my goal is to avoid processed foods, but for now some shakes are keeping me from over eating.

What?

When I said I was not going to diet, my sub-conscience heard "Let's go crazy and eat whatever and everything we want!"

BIG MISTAKE!

I'm in trouble, so how do I get myself out?

To Diet Or Not To Diet?

I don't want to diet!

I literally can imagine myself, feeling like a toddler in a kicking and screaming mood, shouting at the top of my lungs...

I DON'T WANT TO DIET! 

I know dieting doesn't work. I always feel deprived and when I do give myself permission to have "a little" taste. I snap and indulge too much.

 

My question is how do I not diet? I really want to figure this out. I have been on the diet mentality for many years. Although it may work for a few days; a few weeks; even a few months, I always lose and gain the weight back, plus more. The honest truth, dieting is not helping me. It's time to break the diet cycle.

I know, I know.

I almost feel like I am setting myself up for even more failure, but I have failed at dieting and dieting has failed me. You should see the impressive collection of diet books I have collected through out the years and recently. It's time to put an end to my diet obsession and collection.

I no longer have a forbidden list of what I can't eat in my life.

This is my new adventure and I'm excited to see where it leads me.







Mom's The Word

I'm a lost for words.

Today my Mom gave me a photo copy of a magazine of a healthy diet. Words of anger sprang to my lips, but I let out a quiet sigh instead. It hit me like a ton of bricks...

My Mom is worried about my health.

I have hypothyroidism.

I have degenerative joint disease of the knee.

My left leg is starting to swell on a daily basis.

Ever since the car wreck in December, I seem to be falling apart!

My Mom has a lot of things going on in her own life right now and the last thing she needs to be doing is worrying over my health.

I need to step up my game. I have good days and I still have bad days. It's time to crank my good days up to the next level.

Mom your my motivation!!!

Nerd Alert!

I'm trying, but do you ever get the feeling that Karma is trying to kick your ass?

It's an excuse, forgive the language. I'm just feeling that overwhelming urge to shoot myself in the leg. I refuse to do it. Overwhelmed with over analyzing, who does that? Obviously I do!

I trying to keep up my routines... breakfast is the big wow factor.

BUT... This past week I have not indulged in my breakfast-on-the-go-oatmeal. I just recently learned that Almond Breeze Almond milk (unsweetened and original) has a substance called Carrageenan which if undegraded could cause gastrointestinal problems, or cancers. I can't be certain if my almond milk is degraded or undergraded. It's scary to know these things and wonder about the FDA approval like Carrageenan. How does one go about being healthy when all our food is filled with fillers, substances, preservatives, additives or anything else I can't pronounce on a label. Now don't get me wrong I am NO Bill The Science Guy, but when I hear this, especially when I'm doing my best to have a healthy lifestyle and the object is to lose weight, it's enough to start freaking me out!

I'm not a science nerd, I promise. It's just time to look a little harder on the ingredient list. Now don't feel too bad for me. I have learned to make my own almond milk. I know... look at me! Who knew and it's not to difficult or time consuming. I'm lazy and perfectionist, this alone drives me to procrastinate, but that's another tale for another time.

Energy, Really?

I have made myself a food journal. I have a notebook filled with pages to log my daily food intake, water intake, my calories and my mood and energy. I have spiffed up my pages and totally got the idea from pinterest!

Well last night I made a terrible dinner choice (Whataburger) and was miserable. Energy level went from 10, being energized and ready to clean house to a 2, a point where all I did was sit on the recliner and order my kid around to bring me things. I know it's terrible! I was irritated, exhausted, and so tired I couldn't relax enough to fall asleep.

So of course, because I am an odd ball, I decided to experiment with tonight's dinner. I had a HUGE broccoli slaw/salad on a dinner plate, cut up a pita bread and bake it as a crunchy topping for my salad and had two grilled boneless, skinless chicken thighs. I was full and I had amazing energy. I didn't feel like going to the recliner. I actually had energy to go water our yard. AMAZING. I didn't know I would feel like that. It's time to take a closer look at dinner time and improve my dinners!

This is what I have figured out so far is that making GREAT choices with food, makes my energy levels jump and lets not forget my amazing mood booster.

I Can and I Will

Exercise has never been so freakin' hard!

WTH? I am so ashamed to admit this, but I could only do a total of 5 minutes. I am so out of shape, it's depressing. This makes me want to throw in the towel and call myself a loser.

But I can't. I just can't. I deserve to cheer myself on. 5 minutes is a start... tomorrow we'll see how long I can go. I'll challenge myself a little more every day. I can do this. I will do this.

Changes

Breakfast, most important meal of the day! At least every article I have read about health as mentioned this and I do believe they have a valued point. It's just so hard waking up a little earlier just to make breakfast when I really want those extra minutes to sleep, but out of my bed and start cooking my oatmeal. I have a productive day when I eat breakfast. Who knew? I can also feel my energy level rise and my mood isn't as grumpy either.

Beside breakfast being a mood booster for me. I have gone "cold turkey" for my laced filled creamer coffee drink. Granted, it's only been a week, but I have to say I am proud of myself. Instead I reach for a 32 ounce glass and fill it with water.

In another positive impact. I have made a huge impact on my water intake. I am drinking more than 8 glasses of water. I tried to add tea just to give me some variety and I realize that my tolerance for tea is terrible. I have caffeine sensitivity to tea. I toss and turn. I feel irritable and my sleep is terrible. I didn't know this about me. Funny thing is I never felt it with soda, but then again I probably did and just thought a bad night sleep was the norm for me.

Three positive things to report. I've impressed myself. I won't let it go to my head, but it's nice to see changes make a difference.

Routines

 

 

I remember when I was a kid and I had routines. Routines made my day flow like clock-work. I knew what, when and how. Simple.

 

Before I ate when I was hungry (beyond starving) and of course this ended with last minute fast food choices and then over indulge to much. Or how about when I was out of clean clothes, laundry had to be done and quickly. Or if company was coming over I would run around like a chicken with it's head cut off, always a disgrace attempt.

 

Routines are heaven sent, trust me!

 

Recently I just got back in the habit and I have added routines to my day. I finally have a to-do list. I don't have to be overwhelmed anymore. Now I have to implement exercise. For now I think 10 to 15 minutes of walking is a safe bet for me to add to my to-do list! Instead of using the hot weather from keeping me going on my walk, I can easily do a DVD workout.

 

What I have learned is that I can do anything for 15 minutes! I wish I could take credit for this, but not so much... Flylady . She and her crew are inspirations and they give you the courage to jump in and take back your home. I know I've change subjects, but once you check her website you'll completely understand after you "shine your sink!" 15 minutes is key, learn from it! I am!

Choices

WE make them everyday! I make choices everyday!

Do you know my choices have been all wrong? YES, wrong choices!

The choices have been to over eat and let's not forget the choice to over indulge! I have made the choice to enjoy fast food over home cooked meals. I have made the choice to sleep in a few minutes more, instead of waking up to eat breakfast every morning.

I make choices everyday; every hour; every minute; every second AND every choice I have made has been wrong and harmful to my body!

Here I am blogging disappointment and upset when I can't drop numbers on the scale.

Ah, HELLO, reality check! Let's look at my everyday choices. I ate at the "Golden Arches". I skipped breakfast and load up on coffee with gallons of creamer or didn't plan or prepare for supper this evening... translation:  let me just go pick up some-over-a-1000-calories at a fast food restaurant that is just 3 blocks away!

It's time to rethink my choices. I make them. I know this is repetitive, it just sucks to know I'm SLOW to understand as a light bulb has gone on in my head!

Time to concentrate on making the best choices for me!

Stand By Me

Ever just feel beaten? Dragged through mud? Pushed to your humiliation limits?

I feel like that!

I went into a store yesterday with my husband and this store had major security cameras at every isle. Not the best secure location to have built this store and I definitely would have not gone in without my husband, but I stray away from the point of the security cameras. I looked fat! I know. I KNOW! I am overweight! I over indulge! I am not a size 6! I have seen myself in the mirror, but I couldn't believe it was me. I was not happy with the person waddling in that security camera. I was fat. I am fat.
The ugly truth is just that... a fat fact!

When I first began this blog, I had high hopes of making a change in my life and in my weight. Motivation was strong and inspiration was amazing. That was TWO YEARS ago and if I look at it like this:    I have WASTED TWO YEARS.

Depressing? Yes.

Quitting? Shamefully it did enter my thoughts just now.

Now what?

I can either be my worst enemy or I can be my own cheerleader and stand by me.

 

I can also look at two years of not learning anything from myself or realizing I have come across "AHA" moments and I will fall off the wagon definitely more than expected, but changes are a comin'. I feel confident. It's going to be slow, but worth the process. I don't expect weight to drop like a fast fix for me. I'm older and I have to find my groove again. It's daunting, but I'm going to view it like a new adventure. Obvious we learn from mistakes and we build and re-route a new direction to move forward in my healthy journey.

Pause and Go

I feel like I have fallen into the world of failure again, but I haven't!

I have just been B L A N K... ever have that happen to you?

I recently just started Meal Planning and I am enjoying it. Of course cooking every night is just something I have to get use to, but I'm using better ingredients, controlling the sodium in our diets and pushing more fruits and vegetables daily. It's worth it!

Last week I made breakfast 3 out of 5 days and I could tell the difference. The days I didn't eat breakfast I felt so tired and just couldn't get my every day groove going!

On a different note I have quit drinking the soda!

It wasn't as difficult as I was expecting... I Facebook my last drink of Dr. Pepper on March 16, 2013. 6 weeks since that last delicious drink! I really don't miss it, so much as the carbonation!

My next move is to take away the morning coffee. I dread this one. For some strange reason, during the week I have trouble sleeping and in the morning I drink the laced coffee with French vanilla. It's first used to wake me up and next to keep me moving until lunch time. I know terrible! I have implemented a water reminder app on my phone. It's coming in handy this past week. I don't know if I can rid myself of coffee! It's another big step, but necessary!

Summarizing, I have taken baby steps and I actually feel better about myself this time around!

Baby Steps

Baby steps...

One little step at a time. I feel like I'm at the bottom of the stairs and all I want to do is climb 2 or 3 at a time just to get there faster.

Cutting corners any way I can think of; I've always seem to do that. Get to my destination as quick as possible, but then when I glance back and realized I have focused too much on my destination that I forgot to enjoy my surroundings. Why?

I have stopped drinking soda. I'm very proud of this! I have had one temptation, but like a motivated health nut I have rejected as soon as it entered my head!

Baby steps!

Small Victory

Who knew that mean words could still hurt after all these years? Cruels words was enough to set me off in anger and blinked back tears. I felt like a hurt child! I don't know why.... I was never really teased as a kid. I was always the shy timid kid who knew NOT to draw attention to herself.

I was determined not to drive to the nearest fast food joint to stuff my face! Instead I continued to chopped mushrooms, bell pepper, onion for my breakfast. Although I was given an apology and I did accept it. I also gave myself a hug and realized I can claim a small victory. I didn't binge or indulge in emotional eating! It's a small feat, but to me it's another step towards achieving a healthy lifestyle.

Calorie Disaster

Did you know...

Calories are dangerous!

Today I looked up the nutritional calorie intake on the daily fast food meals I usually have for lunch and I was blown away!

Sonic 32 oz. 250
X's that by 5 days of the week equals 1250.

McDonald's Mcdouble 390
McDonald's Lg. French fries 500
once a week equals 890

Rosa's Cafe Nacho Salad 770
Rosa's Cafe Guacamole and Chips 340
Once a week equals 1110

Whataburger Bacon/cheese burger 800
Whataburger Medium French Fries 390
Once a week equals 1190

With an OMG, and a jaw dropping shock! I am a over-eating calorie disaster!

Revelation:    I had being lying to myself. Shame-face and disgust plainly describes my eating behavior. Over whelmed disappointment in myself.

Eye openers are meant  for a reason... I'm over the shock and I'm in "Take Action" mode.

Clearly, I WAS my own villain and NOW I'm on a mission to becoming my own Super Woman heroine!

NO MORE WAITING TIL TOMORROW OR MONDAY. LET ME "BABY STEP" MY WAY INTO RIGHT NOW!

Imagine

Imagine being thin.
Imagine seeing one-derland on the scale.
Imagine the expendable energy.
Imagine the love of exercise.
Imagine not using your weight as an excuse to avoid fun.
Imagine the endless possibilities...

Say What?

In order to start, one must be prepared for success. To strive for success I stocked my fridge with fruits and vegetables yesterday. I have a better chance of choosing a healthy option instead of going out for fast food.

I have my head in the game, today. Go me!

Uggghhh!

YOU PUT YOUR LEFT FOOT IN,

 

YOU PUT YOUR LEFT FOOT OUT,

,

YOU PUT YOUR LEFT FOOT IN,

 

AND YOU SHAKE IT ALL ABOUT!

 

YOU DO THE HOKEY POKEY,

 

AND YOU TURN YOURSELF AROUND

 

THAT'S WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT!

 

Remember the Hokey Pokey song? I am feeling like I have been doing a hokey pokey for a long time with this getting healthy business. I jump right in and jump out when life shakes me about and that becomes my excuse. Life will always interrupt and I have to come to terms with that.

 

Ugggghhhh! Tired of restarting, tired of failing, tired... tired... tired! Blah, blah, blah!

 

A terrible post I know and I apologize, crossing my fingers that this is the last one that sounds so negative!





Bouncing Back

Life has intervene. Goals have been forgotten and priorities have been forced to change. If anything I should know better about expecting the unexpected, but that's not the way I think.

I'm ready to bounce back. Let's try this moving forward again, because I need some positiveness right now. Forgive me for not making sense, but trust me when I say, for once in my life I want a better version of me and a  healthier life for my family. Changes are inevitable and for once I'm looking forward to seeing a brighter, healthier change.

A Step Back

I have been accountable for myself this whole time and it pains me to admit that I fail at every turn. I need to look at this whole healthy journey at another angle. Obviously the first few times was just disappointing and completely sucks!

Step back, deep breath, exhale and re-adjust!

Inevitable Change

Terrible news today, for me it's devastating, went to the orthopedic doctor today to find out if my bruised knee is getting better from the car accident back in December. My father prediction was right, "you go in for one thing and they find something else wrong with you."

The doctor tells me I have degenerative joint arthritis of the knee. He mention my weight being one factor. He says every step I take on a stair I multiply that by 10 to my weight. That's 2,700 pounds on my knees. I'm troubled and most definitely angry with myself. I think back on my grandmother and I remember how hard it was for her to walk, in pain and at one point had to get a knee replacement. Usually degenerative joint arthritis is seen in 60 year old people, I'm 37!

How could I not see this coming? Why haven't I taken my healthy more serious? What more am I waiting for.... a heart attack? Death? I don't need or want any more signs! I need to step it up with full commitment. Nothing is going to change, if I'm not going to change.

I feel clueless, brainless, where do I start?

I'm just being overly dramatic about change. I can't start Monday for change, it needs to be today... NOW!